Wednesday, May 27, 2009

It’s my body and I’ll cry if I want to.

I had my consultation appointment yesterday with RE concerning the options available to me since the ectopic. As it stands, there are (3).

  1. HSG to detect whether my right tube is now blocked from the ectopic. If so, IVF. If not, continue with IUI and hope for the best.
  2. Straight to IVF bypassing tubes altogether.
  3. Laparoscopy to determine if my tubes are blocked, cysts, anything that would prohibit pregnancy…or find nothing wrong at all.

I sat there with my mouth gaping open. In February when my ectopic was diagnosed and needed immediate response, I tried everything in my power to avoid lap surgery to remove my tube. Now, after (2) rounds of the demon methotrexate and my hCG level back to -0-…I’m still under the radar for an invasive procedure that may or may not find anything wrong with my body. An u/s revealed fluid movement around my uterus, so RE is quite sure he will find something awry with my innards.

Needless to say, I’m pretty upset. So upset in fact, I called my mother last night because I really needed someone else’s opinion of what is happening to me. My mother had (4) children of her own so I’m sure it is not easy for her to help me; however, I just wanted to bend someone’s ear and she came to mind. I could barely mouth a full sentence and I broke down in tears on the phone.

I do not like my mother to see/hear me vulnerable for many reasons. However, I really feel desperate. I feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under me and there’s really nothing I can do to change it. I’m faced with the ultimate decision – be happy with life as it is…childless…avoid invasive medical procedures, as I originally intended, and move on. OR, try every experimental gynecological procedure under the sun to help conceive my child while I’m still young-ish.

I’m just not eager to be sliced open like a grapefruit. I’m not prepared to put my body through even more medication distress; I’m not satisfied with living a completely childless life. I’m not ready to compromise. I’m starting to crack under the pressure.


  1. Oh I'm so sorry. Sometimes it feels like it never ends, this horrible merry-go-round.

    Something to consider - you & I had ectopics just a few months apart, though I was 'lucky' and miscarried naturally. My infertility is officially unexplained, (though crappy eggs are certainly playing a part in all of my IVF miscarriages). Since the ectopic, however, I had a natural, spontaneous pregnancy. I believe it was because passing the ectopic widened one of my tubes enough to make it easier for fertilized eggs to travel to my uterus.

    A lap isn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but you could end up "solving" some problems or getting real answers if your difficulties are 'scopeable'. You also might learn nothing, but if I had my own invasive IF journey to do over again, I'd go for a lap as soon as possible.

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can be at peace with your decision. It's a sucky one to have to make, and I do wish you the best.

  2. This is a tough (for lack of a better word) decision. I respect your desire to avoid invasive medical procedures (they do suck, from personal experience).

    For whatever it's worth, though, the laparoscopy isn't bad. I was bloated that evening, and tired easily (oh, and my shoulders felt weird from the gas), but that was it. No scars or pain.

    Whatever your decision, I hope you follow your intuition.


  3. I really wish I hadn't cried while Mom was on the phone. Damn! Having a hard drink may have been a contributing factor ~ ugh.

    I fully understand that the lap surgery may be my best bet. DH seems to also agree...however, I am very hesitant to have this procedure done, miss more days of work, feel like crap, and perhaps all for nothing. Ack!

    I read and read and read about other people's experiences with IF and most of them are so gung-ho about any method that may get them preggers. I suppose I'm just not that way.

    It really feels horrendous that I am being faced with the all-consuming reality that I may be childless unless I go to extremes.