The Egg Dance

Left foot in, right foot out, 1, 2,3. 1, 2, 3. Round and round. Now twwwwiiiirrrrllllllll. Skip and hop. Skip and hop. Now twwwwiiiirrrrllllllll. Chins up, girls! 1, 2,3. 1,2,3. Right, left, right.

I have been diligently performing an egg dance for a few years now. It seems utterly ridiculous and complicated. It is. I hop, and skip, and jump. Twirling around and around. Always with a smile on my face despite inner turmoil that swirls within. I never wanted to be a subserviant chorus girl, yet I am one of sorts.

OK. So why the hell am I going on a dissertation about egg dancing? I can't really answer that. An ovum epiphany popped into my head late last night (after a few congratulatory/mourning drinks) and it stuck there ~ lodged somewhere between brain matter and a matter of fact. Ugh. Lucid clarity at the bottom of the crystal glass. Hate that.

I had my "final" b/w appointment yesterday. RE's nurse let out an obnoxious whoop for my -0- results. She told me I should feel quite relieved and in fact, have DH and I considered our IVF option while pondering what my hCG count was to be each looming week? I stammered. I could practically hear her ballpoint pen clicking against her desk while she waited for me to spit out my decision. I twirled. Should I be expected to jump at the chance of IVF? Instant baby, right? I should just skip right over to RE's office, plunk my naked ass down on the scratchy paper covered table, and be ready and willing to conceive my dream child ~ from warm petri dish to cold uterus. Voila! While I scrambled for words, she then suggested that perhaps I should have a consultation with RE. YES! Why I didn't suggest that idea first leaves me completely dumbfounded. I knew that I wanted a consult. I wanted to ask if I could now ingest prenatal vitamins? I prefer to have another HSG to determine whether my right tube is clogged or not ~ can I make that appointment now? Work is switching insurance companies so is it possible that I'm covered for another (3) IUI treatments?

Oh balls. All of my questions, prepared and unprepared, simply dissipated into thin air. Not only am I a dancer, but also a friggin' magician. Fantastic.

RE's nurse briskly brushed me off. I was transferred to the receptionist who pleasantly assisted me in scheduling another appointment with RE to discuss our options. Apparently, I should be able to move forward with IF treatments as soon as next month. Perfect. I practically started menstruating after I hung up the phone. No, really. AF reared her ugly head the same day I was told -0-. Coincidence? I think not. At least I feel skinnier today! It's a good day when I can comfortably fit into my favorite pair of jeans. I struggle with the extra weight from the IF meds. I hesitate to start over again. 1,2,3. 1,2,3. Hop and twwwwiiiirrrrllllllll.

*******

I graduated from my wire jewelry techniques class on Monday night. Although her next class was deemed full, my teacher fit me into her wire sculpted cabochon class starting next week. I'm absolutely thrilled! I have pics of my latest wire pieces ~ a spiral link necklace and bracelet set with red Chinese cinnabar beads. I made the design up myself. It took me about 3 hours from start to completion....we had dinner plans and I was rushed towards the end, but I think it turned out OK. :)

My teacher asked if she could post photos of them on the student gallery section of her website. Of course, while blushing, I exclaimed YES!

'Ere 'Tis:

Egg-Cellent!

My husband and I made a bet last night. We were trying to guess how low my hCG would be after today's b/w...and decided to make a game out of it. DH predicted 47. I dared to say 58. DH won the bet. My results were 45. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that he was right! Going by the track record, I was convinced that I'd be damn lucky if it reached 58 or below compared to last week's results of 105. Well, although I am sad that I don't get my choice of something from Etsy.com, it's fine by me that DH can pick an album from DustyGroove.com. As it happens, we're both vinyl-o-philes. LOL!

In case you're wondering, it's mortgage week and we curb any frivolous spending during that time. Today, we make an exception!

So, now I can rest assured that the hCG will completely dissipate in a timely fashion. I'm not required to go for more b/w until 4/28. By then, it should be down to 0, and Que Sera, Sarah can relax and enjoy the summer without having to worry about her empty womb.

*deep sigh of relief*

Eggs: To Dye For

Well, the season of colored eggs is upon us. I plan to make wire jewelry with the new beads and supplies I plan to purchase today... Here is an example of my very 1st jewelry-making attempt ~ Solderless Copper Flower Chain Bracelet with Scroll clasp:

As of Tuesday, my hCG level is still in the friggin' 100s ~ 105 to be exact. I'm so frustrated and upset that this horrid diagnosis has been lingering as long as it has...as if to say, "HEY YOU, REMEMBER ME??!!" Oh yes, I remember. Clear as colorless crystal. In my estimation, it will be at least another 2 weeks before it reaches 0. Then, I may start taking prenatal vitamins again and get my life back on track. DH and I decided to wait at least 3 months before TTC again. I need the time away from my hollow uterus. Beading is taking precedence right now...and I couldn't be more enthused!

Happy Easter, everyone!

1-8-9 ... was my number...whats my number now?

Stick it up, mister!

Hear what I say, sir, yeah...

Get your hands in the air, sir!

And you will get no hurt, mister, no no no

I said yeah

What did I say?

Don't you hear? I said yeah (yeah yeah)

Listen to what I say (what I say)

Do you believe I would take something with me

And give it to the police man?

I wouldn't do that, now listen to me one more time

I wouldn't do that

And if I do that, I would say "sir, put the charge on me"

I wouldn't do that

No, I wouldn't do that

I'm not a fool to hurt myself

So I was innocent of what they done to me

They was wrong

Listen to me, they were wrong

Give it to me one time

Give it to me two time

Give it to me three time

Give it to me four time

54 46 was my number

Right now, someone else has that number

Sorry. Had Toots and the Maytals in my head for some weird reason.

So. That's the current digits as of Tuesday. 1-8-9. RE's nurse told me my hCG levels are still going down, then she let out a little 'Yayyyyyy'. I chuckled. sorta. Then proceeded to make another hCG appt for the following Tuesday. At this rate, this b/w routine feels like it will never end.

I went to a healing/prayer circle last Sunday night. A good friend of mine suggested I accompany her for a bit of "re-charging" and I'll admit, I was quite curious. There were (7) women and (1) man in attendance...when the niceities finally died down and we got right down to business or shall I say, silent prayer, my mind began to wander once more to that far-off distant place...I envisioned running water, lush plantlife, and blue sky. Blue, Blue, Blue. Green, Green, Green. What does it mean? We bowed our heads and lifted our spirits to the high heavens ~ praying for ourselves, our loved ones, and for peace. Peace of mind. OK, I really don't know what the other folks prayed for ~ but I know that I felt settled in that moment of silent communion.

I really should be writing more often; however, I've been under the weather and drained. My body is tired and I suppose my mind is too. Random thoughts shooting and shifting this way and that way. I suppress the baby ideas way down deep as if they never existed. Probably not the best way to cope...but at this point in time, it's all about self-preservation.

I forgot to mention... when the healing circle came to a close and I was stuffing my arms into my coat, a kindly woman walked up to me, gave me a hug and told me that she felt a little girl in my presence. Apparently, this woman "feels" things about certain people. I smiled, turned, and closed the door behind me.

How to Shell a Hard-Cooked Egg

B/w was scheduled for early morning yesterday to determine whether I was to get surgery today. Lucky for me, the hCG went back down to 218. No surgery! Hoorah!...or is it?!

I'll be the first to admit, I'm sick and tired of all of the travel as well as suspense involved with my reproductive system these days. I was totally resigned to losing my tube after everything I've been through, drove back and forth, back and forth, back and forth from the RE's office (an hour away from work), was told I may lose the tube even after 2 doses of the demon methotrexate, was then told that it wasn't necessary ~ the injections worked, then was told I may be losing it anyway because my hCG levels were back up again, now am told I'm not going to need lap surgery afterall. Egads!~

I really need to step away from all of this IF stuff for a while. I'll feel much better about starting over after a much needed break. My body is starting to feel back to normal ~ I can actually fit into my jeans! My intestines are still all screwed up, but overall, I feel pretty good. I'd like to start taking vitamins again...it's getting warmer outside and that means my routine 4 mile walk with Skoola Fazoola, my sweet 4-legged, will be well underway soon.

I attended my first wire jewelry techniques class last night and I absolutely loved it! My thumb only bled a little while twisting 16 gauge copper wire. :) Bought myself some trusty pliers and sparkly glass beads on sale today and am anxious to start making beautiful wearable art. I think it's a lovely way to take my mind off my uterus. I'm so happy it's spring...the season of colored eggs is upon us ~ oh wait...let's change the subject, please.

Going to Great Pains

Protocol for Medical treatment (Methotrexate) of Ectopic Pregnancy. Written by The Royal Oldham Hospital. Revised March 2001

Advantages:
Good success rates (More than 90%) in appropriately selected cases
Comparable to conservative surgery in terms of subsequent fertility
General anaesthetic avoided

Disadvantages:
Risk of toxicity: nausea, stomatitis, bone marrow suppression, pneumonitis, elevated liver enzymes
Repeated visits to ensure resolution of pregnancy

Selection criteria:
Clinically stable
Able and willing to attend for follow-up scans and blood tests
Early unruptured ectopic pregnancy
Under 8 weeks gestation
No free fluid on ultrasound scan
Ectopic sac <3cm>

Management:
Discuss with consultant
Counsel patient, obtain consent and give information on medical treatment of ectopic pregnancy
Blood tests:
FBC,
Group & save serum,
U& E,
LFT
hCG
Prescribe a single dose of intramuscular Methotrexate 50 (fifty) mg
(if weight is <50kg, prescribe 1mg/kg)

Discharge with following advice:
Avoid sexual intercourse
Avoid alcohol
Avoid folic acid
Ectopic may rupture.
To come back in immediately if feeling dizzy or exacerbated abdominal pain Avoid conception for 3 months

Follow-up:
Twice weekly hCG until falling, then weekly until <10iu/1
If hCG not falling, request ultrasound scan If no significant fall in hCG after 7 days, then consider either repeat methotrexate or surgical treatment (discuss with patient)

Note: hCG may fall slowly. Median time to resolution is 1 month Discuss contraception



******************************************

I was at work when I got the call yesterday from RE's nurse that my b/w results came back surprising (Note: RE hasn't seen this happen before). My hCG levels rose from 239 last week to 330 yesterday. Went back to RE for u/s which showed a significant change in the size of the cyst and halo of fluid ~ they were both barely noticeable. As RE put it, "don't want to put the cart before the horse", so I was advised to come back on Monday for more b/w and if the levels are still steadily increasing, I'm to get laparoscopic surgery to remove my right fallopian tube on Thursday (3/26).

Not to sound gruesome, but I have constipation...it has only been worse since I was injected the 2nd time with the demon Methotrexate a few weeks ago. Last night, when I went to the bathroom to pee before bed, my lower body was in total distress. I never felt it coming and then all of a sudden, I was suffering...hardcore. I turned white as a ghost and almost fainted a few times from the unbearable torture in my abdomen...not necessarily from my intestines, but the muscles too. I've never felt anything so excruciating in my life. I've had horrid constipation symptoms before, this fuckin' hurt a million times more. I could barely lift myself from the toilet for fear that the pain would get worse, laid my exhausted body on the bed, and writhed in agony. My husband totally freaked out ~ kept asking me if I should go to the hospital. All I wanted to do was sleep. I took some extra-strength tylenol, my husband rubbed my head, and I felt my body relax. Thankfully, the pain subsided enough that I was able to sleep through the night.

My reason for writing about this incident is that I've really been OK for the last 2 weeks. I've been feeling healthier except for the constipation on and off, and was starting to feel like my life was getting back on track. Then, I get the phone call at work yesterday that my hCG is rising, feel my heart skip a beat, anticipate surgery that day, am told to wait until Monday to determine the outcome, and then writhe in pain that evening. Coincidence? I think not.

It's official. god hates me.

Oh, Bloody Hell

The nurse just called...my b/w results came back ~ the hCG levels dropped to 239. More b/w scheduled for next Wednesday (3/18). This is the routine for the next few weeks until the hCG reaches 5. At this rate, we're looking at the end of March to early April for my hCG to completely disappear. Then, I must wait (2) consecutive menstrual cycles to ensure that the demon Methotrexate is completely out of my system and will not affect a potential fetus. June seems sooooooo far away at this point.

In the meantime, I am faced with a decision to continue on an IUI journey and hope for the best... basically risking my chance for another ectopic... OR begin IVF treatment and bypass my tubes altogether. Dependent upon an HSG test, to show whether my right tube is still open, the doctor is leaving it up to us to decide how to proceed. IVF is much more invasive than I ever cared to experience.

Oh, what to do!

Scrappin'...Honestly!

I was "tagged" with the Honest Scrap award by my sweet Fashionably Infertile e-friend on Thursday. I am honoured and happy to oblige.

'Ere 'Tis The Rules:

1) Choose a minimum of (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the (7) winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least (10) honest things about yourself. I chose to list (25)...just because.


'Ere 'Tis My Scraps:
1. I must sleep in pitch black silence with a blanket over my shoulder.

2. I have this recurring dream since childhood that a troll/gremlin/scary black thing that I can’t really see hides under the bed and sloooooowly pulls my covers off. Sometimes I get pissed off and brave and try to catch the little bastard...to no avail.

3. I’ve loved Tori Amos since high school, especially when the Little Earthquakes album came out in 1992, but not so much since she got uberly popular. When an artist becomes mainstream, I usually ditch ’em.

4. There is a dark mole on the side of my nose tip since birth. Sometimes I have a tendency to stare at it in the mirror...secretly wishing it would just fall off already.

5. I lack patience...specifically when it comes to ignorant people.

6. To me, dish washing is the ultimate housekeeping curse.

7. I am obsessed with all things Victorian, especially paper ephemera and photographs. My collection has only gotten larger since getting a better paying job and a husband who thinks I’m cool and weird, not necessarily in that order...

8. I’m a granola-stalkin’ treehugger who strongly supports and encourages the fair trade movement; however, I just can’t get enough of the Anthropologie clothing store and I hesitate to discover what their ethical policies are for fear that I will never be able to set foot in one again.

9. I love bats and have wanted to study them since Mom bought me the Wildlife Treasury cards when I was 8. Is there such a thing as a Batologist?

10. I’m an extreme movie critic through and through. My husband will attest to the fact that I compulsively know actor and actresses by only seeing/hearing them in a film once AND I can usually spot a mistake without any help. It makes for an interesting movie night.

11. My husband is my best friend in the whole wide world.

12. I've always felt a certain affinity towards the Dodo.

13. I once wrote a letter to an egg. Mine.

14. I dye my hair pink and feel sheer elation when out of the corner of my eye, I see pinkish strands glisten in the sunlight.

15. I secretly want to sing in a Ska band.

16. I love to wear knee-high boots and long stripe socks.

17. I share a birthday with Frida Kahlo, the 14th Dalai Lama, and George W. Bush.

18. I am an eco-preneur who owns (2) earth-conscious websites ~ moondropclothiers.com and theconsciouschild.com .

19. (5) places I MUST visit before I die: Belgium, England, New Zealand, Tibet, and France.

20. My Blog. An electronic substitute for a hand-written journal...mainly because I'm too lazy to use a pen.

21. I wear French parfum everyday.

22. I really enjoy weird obscure surrealist art and film.

23. I wish my sister lived closer.

24. I am a collage art enthusiast and love to discover little stories within them. I've only just started to make my own...bringing my own little stories to life.

25. I have a large tattoo on my upper left arm of a lotus flower and ocean waves. Now that work proclaimed we are still receiving a bonus this year despite the economic downturn, I plan to elaborate on it...thinking a splashing koi will complete my half sleeve quite nicely.


So. I now bestow the Honest Scrap award to:

A Monkey Girl's Existential Drama

The Glimmering Prize

Hope Springs Infertile

Infertility Reality

Seaweed and Gardenias

Sugar Magnolia Creations

Who Shot My Stork?

**********************************************

My b/w results came back this afternoon and I'm happy to report the hCG levels have now dropped to 394. I'm scheduled for more b/w next Wednesday. (This will be the routine for the next few weeks until the hCG is 5.) My sister-in-law is in town on Saturday and spending the night at our house. I plan to consume a frosty adult beverage this weekend...even if it kills me.

Cycle

Intense Anticipation.

Apprehension.

Hope.

Familiar Feeling.

Unwarranted.

Unwanted.

Emergent Pain.

Strain.

Reluctance.

Blood Drips.

Denial.

Disappointment.

Silent Struggle.

Smile.

Cope.

Inward Flow.

Solemn.

Swear.

Start Over.

Wait.

See.

Intense Anticipation.

Apprehension.

Hope.

Familiar Feeling.

Unwarranted.

Unwanted.

Emergent Pain.

Strain.

Reluctance.

Blood Drips.

Denial.

Disappointment.

Silent Struggle.

Smile.

Cope.

Inward Flow.

Solemn.

Swear.

Start Over.

Wait.

See.

Intense Anticipation.

Apprehension.

Hope.

Copyright ©2008 Sarah B. Paquette


************************************************

I wrote this piece feeling utter despair when month after month, my medicated treatments were not working. I'm not sure if I expected some sort of a miracle to take place once I ingested a tiny pill that joggled my brain and made me feel plum crazy all of the time. Clomid was a beast.

I remember posting this poem on a myspace blog and getting a response from someone that said something like "They always say when you let go of the control and realize it's out of your hands is the moment it happens....Relax...." I also remember feeling very angry and wanting to punch something after reading that. Of course, I did not learn my lesson and posted similar entries only to get similar remarks and want to punch things again.

I just heard from Dr. B's nurse. My hCG levels are steadily decreasing...from 659 to 544. I'm to go for repeat b/w next Wednesday. I suppose that I should feel relief that my life is getting back on track, but I'm still very sad about this experience and even now just want to sleep right through it.

To Tell or Not To Tell

When DH and I decided to seek professional help with TTC, I was at odds with myself as to whether I should tell my family about our situation. My parents and I are estranged, so I didn't feel the need to spread the word to them; however, I'm close to my Middle Sister/FIL/MIL/SIL and wanted them to know 'we're working on it.' (MIL keeps asking when she'll have a grandchild...)

I went months before I mentioned anything to ANYONE (including friends) about my treatments. For one, I felt 'broken' ...like there was something wrong with me and it was embarrassing and hurtful. Secondly, I feared that if TTC didn't work out for us, I'd have to explain each and every month what happened. Again, embarrassing and VERY hurtful.

We've been TTC for 2 years ~ only 1 year using meds. Feeling isolated and alone, I finally broke down and had a heart-to-heart with my sister, MIL, and SIL a few months ago. I must admit, I felt SO MUCH better after I explained what was going on. It's still hurtful to keep them posted on negative outcomes (wish things were different 'tis all!), but overall, I feel really blessed to have these people in my life...by chance. Afterall, there have been MANY times through all of this, I really wanted my mother there.

IUI #1 was in Dec. 2008 and the people I told rooted for me. I got a text msg the day of IUI from MIL saying ' Swim, Boys Swim!!!!!!!!' LOL!! Then at X-mas time, my SIL wanted me to open a present a little early. I opened the burgandy velvet pouch and a Goddess of Abundance Pendant with a Moonstone belly (illustrated above) was inside. I cried. again. This time, tears of joy. I never take it off.

Now there is the tragedy of IUI#2. As my hCG levels were steadily rising and we were only privy to the news for a few short days, I was obligated to become a godparent to my newborn niece. We were travelling out-of-state to become a part of her big day, coping with what was happening, while trying to remain calm around family who had no clue. I broke down and told my middle sister, who is becoming a registered nurse, what was going on. I hesitated telling anyone else simply out of fear. Fear that this moment was too good to be true. Fear that this pregnancy would not work out.

I work for FIL so eventually I was under obligation to let him know what was happening to me. There were (2) evil methotrexate injections to be had and aside from wretching my guts out...mentally, I was ashamed and deeply saddened by the choice I had to make. I needed time away...from everything and everyone.

Only this past weekend did I tell my mother and other sibling the news. I do not want people to feel sorry for me and especially say the wrong things (which most people have the uncanny knack of doing, unbeknownest to themselves). I admit. I took the cowardly route and sent each of them a brief email. I simply cannot bear explaining what happened over and over again. It's like reliving the incredibly hurtful moment repeatedly to people who barely know anything about my life in the first place.

Mom did write back. She never calls or visits me. I don't really know why I thought this time would be any different. She said she is going to pray for me and I suppose I should be happy she communicated with me at all. I don't have the heart to remind her I'm an atheist ~ especially now.

*******************************************

I went for b/w and an u/s yesterday and am hopeful that this ectopic experience is over. RE did not see a change in the cyst; however, the fluid that surrounded the tube is gone. My hCG levels declined from the 750s to somewhere around 659 ~ an approx. 11% drop. RE is almost positive, I will not need surgery to remove my tube. I have another appt on Friday to ensure that the levels steadily decrease.

Personally I think he is doing everything he can to keep my inner body intact. I forgot to mention that while we were having a discussion about possible surgery, I asked Dr. B if there was any chance that I could keep my tube after it was removed. After all, it IS mine. He looked surprised ~ and then laughed...and said, "I'll have to ask, but I don't see why not."

Hey. Ya wanna piece of me? ;)

Road to Recovery?

I went for b/w on Saturday and am satisfied with the ambiguous results. My levels were still in the 700s; however, they have not gone drastically upwards. My RE expected the hCG levels to go slightly up after my 2nd dose of the demon, Methotrexate. Apparently, as the drug dispels the placenta cells, they release more hormone into the bloodstream...as long as the hCG did not double or more, RE says that I am in the clear. I am scheduled for more b/w tomorrow and that will determine whether the injections really worked their voodoo magic and I will not need to have surgery to remove my right fallopian tube.

As an aside ~ I will be the first to admit I'm guilty of reinforcing the "American way". I turn my nose at leftovers in the fridge, want to trade my car for something new even though it is perfectly capable and runs rather well, I grow tired of wearing the same clothing over and over again and will buy more when it isn't really necessary. When I was faced with the ectopic tragedy, my first instinct was ~ When can I try again? Not, How will I and my husband mentally fare in the process or How much time will it take to physically recover but How soon can I start over in order to get the results I (we) want? I realized that I have become completely reliant on United States modern medicine to make my infant dreams come true even though realistically the state of our current medical technology is based merely on circumstance not painstaking accuracy. My entire unexplained IF diagnosis has been at the mercy of the "medical arts", not on omniscient knowledge of the female reproductive system. Basically, the outcome has been hit-or-miss the whole time.

If there is anything I've learned throughout this entire IF ordeal is DO RESEARCH and ASK QUESTIONS! Please do not rely solely on your doctor to tell you everything you need to know about your body. Be wary. Read the paperwork. Check the background information on prescribed medications. Be proactive! Get the treatment you rightfully deserve. Refuse to become a number!

This blog post is all over the place and I apologize for that. There are so many thoughts swirling around my crowded head related to this sore subject and even jotting them down does not help to sort through the muck. I'm worried about the outcome of tomorrow's test. I'm anxious to start fresh. I'm willing to do anything for my unborn child. I'm ready to recover from this incredibly bumpy road.

This is the Song That Never Ends...

...yes it goes on and on, my friend.

Went for routine b/w to check my hCG levels after the demonic methotrexate last week and much to my chagrin, the beta was well into the 700s. Yes, that is correct. Instead of plummeting like they are supposed to by now, they are steadily rising. My doctor says this happens very rarely. Of course, it would happen to me. I usually pride myself on being different from the rest of the masses. Today, I actually prayed that I'd be one of them.

I was prescribed a 2nd dose of methotrexate and was given the injection(s) at precisely 3:00. Now I'm feeling all kinds of ghastly (not gassy!) pressure in my abdomen and just waiting for the nausea to begin. Thankfully, RE prescribed Zofran to help ease its pain and suffering. If only he could prescribe something to erase this horrible memory too.

The Flood

The flood. The flood.

The flood of blood forming a radiant halo of red that surrounds my little angel encased in swollen fleshy pipe. Heaven is right where we are standing and is all you will ever know.

The flood. The flood.

The flood of clear liquid pouring over my puffy pincushion organ, with petite fingers waving and bleeding as if pricked by those needles of sharp steel, comparable to the dagger of his blank stare that pierced my pleading gaze forever implanted in time.

The flood. The flood.

The flood of emotion ~ an outpour of despair, frustration, anger, anguish and regret. Why us? Why now? Why ever? Why me?

The flood. The flood.

The flood of sterile medicine water coursing its way through my bluish veins destined to kill what pulses and grows inside me. I was responsible for creating it and then sweeping it all away.

The flood. The flood.

The flood of tears uncontrollably streaming down my tired face, leaving crusty steaks of sticky salt, forming a death mask, filling my heart with grief as tiny images of what could have been inundate my woeful mind.

The flood. The flood.

The flood is wreaking havoc along its disastrous path, bursting its way through my sacred temple, eliminating any evidence of life within, yet I continually inhabit areas threatened by flood damage since repeated periodic flooding brings me even closer to you.

Copyright ©2009 Sarah B. Paquette


*****************************************************

2/4 - Beta = 112 hCG, 11 P4
2/6 - Beta = 284 hCG
2/10 - Beta = 275 hCG - ectopic pregnancy
2/11 - Beta = 386 hCG - Methotrexate shot

I bent over a cold examining chair yesterday to be injected twice in my upper ass with methotrexate…10 days ago I was told I was pregnant. 2 days ago I was told it was ectopic ~ the baby is growing in my right tube. 2 years of trying…and it finally happens. The wrong way. I was responsible for creating this life and then I was responsible for killing it. Sign here on the dotted line. omyfuckinggod.

I cried heavily throughout the entire process. I tightly grasped my husband's hand. The nurse hugged us afterward. It was over. I went home. The end. Or is it?

I fucking hate infertility. I’m sick and tired of people telling me to relax, that god will answer our prayers, or that maybe if we took a vacation, it will just happen…PLAH! I feel like utter shit and look like utter shit. I missed work this week. I need time to grieve.

Eventually, the sun shining through my window will be welcome. Afterall, we only get this one life to live. And I’ll be damned if I let infertility take over mine completely. Until then...I'm pulling down the blinds.

Spotting! And Not Talking Giraffes...

I woke up yesterday to minor cramping and found a small brown spot in my underwear. I don't know if this is something I should be concerned about? I'm getting really nervous and wondering if this is something that is normal? It just seems like a repeat of last time.

I've been told by DH and countless others that cramping in early pregnancy is normal because the uterus is expanding for the baby. And from what I understand, a lot of women spot throughout their pregnancy and it's not a bad sign. This morning I had minor cramping again and only residual brown on the P4 applicator tip. Right now I feel pretty good inside...considering.

Today is my appt with the RE for u/s and b/w. My appt isn't until 10:30am...I'm gonna go crazy until then! Keeping my fingers crossed.......stick, baby, stick!

******************************************************

My worst fear has been realized ~ Ectopic pregnancy. The baby is growing in my right fallopian tube. The RE could see that it is bleeding. hCG levels are going down naturally (today). Tomorrow if they are still going down, I will be closely monitored and won't need meds ~ if not, I get a shot of methotrexate tomorrow am.

Little Bird Lost

Little Bird, wildly fluttering underneath greasy axles,

Where will you go today?

Large flakes of snow drift down,

Sky gray eminence yields icy penalty for those who venture forth.

Little Bird, seeking shelter in the shadowy gloom,

How do you remain calm?

Patiently awaiting proper shelter from the storm,

The crisp air aching chilly bones in its frigid grasp.

Little Bird, flapping and dancing with freezing wings,

Why so aloof?

So tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of things,

Polar temperatures could kill yet not a care in the world.

Little Bird, frosty beak chirping sluggishly,

Who is your inspiration?

With gentle tweets, singing sweet in vain,

Sounds drowned out while the crystal flakes accumulate.

Little Bird, downy feathers frozen stiff,

When will you find a way home?

The ominous blizzard hails a solid greeting of what’s to take place,

A tempestuous arctic blast seeks permanence where there is no refuge.

Little Bird, subservient portion of nature,

What is your secret for survival?

Life can be so cold for those with no warm memories.

Shivers and quivers prove futile to keep the spark alive.

Little Bird, your fragile anatomy is all there is

Without question.

Be careful, Little Bird. Wintry weather deems you fair game.

Proceed with caution while taking flight.

Copyright ©2008 Sarah B. Paquette


*****************************************************

2/2 - Beta = 52 hCG, low estrogen/P4
2/4 - Beta = 112 hCG, 11 P4
2/6 - Beta = 284 hCG

I had an appointment for b/w first thing this morning. We got to The Center later than usual. There was some last minute packing to do. We're heading to PA to visit my family this weekend. My niece is being baptized and I am her godparent. I've been looking forward to this weekend for months and now it's finally here. Little did I know that I'd also be looking forward to this day for other reasons as well...My b/w results.

The nurse called at 3:00 with a bit of hesitation in her voice. She seemed scattered and a bit apprehensive as though she were about to wreak havoc on my otherwise "good day." She rambled, I started drifting off and then came the number - 284. We were looking for it to double from Wednesday's reading and it did just that...and a little bit more. Hoorah!

B/w and u/s scheduled for Tuesday, Feb 10th. Hopefully, there will be even better news...until then...I'm going to celebrate with Cran-raspberry juice and sparkling mineral water. Cheers!

sus huevos aquí

"The female body is a very complex organism", said the man in the white coat as he haphazardly pointed to the anatomically-correct diagram of the female reproductive system. "It is a well-known fact that only a small percentage of women can actually get pregnant, contrary to the popular belief that they are as fruitful as rabbits. You see, the process of ovulation is controlled by the brain and through the release of hormones from the pituitary gland. Not everyone can ovulate for one reason or another. We cannot determine why that happens, although we can hypothesize. Fertiliziliation of an egg is an exact science. If something is not functioning precisely, just at the right moment, pregnancy will not occur."

*******

When I was a little girl, perhaps 5 or 6, Nana and Pop-Pop took me to the grocery store during a weekend visit. I skipped along the food aisles while my grandparents made their distinctive selections. The goose pimples prickled the tiny hairs on my arms as we got closer to the refrigerated section. I watched with wide eyes as Nana opened several pink cartons so as to determine which container would hold (12) satisfactory unbroken shells. While seated in the car, Nana placed the rigid styrofoam carton of eggs in my lap. "You're in charge of these," she hissed. "We don't want any of them broken on the ride home."

I cradled the delicate commodities the entire way, watching them intently while Pop-Pop's ol' jalopy sputtered its way to our destination. I could feel their movement as they jostled back and forth. My lips moistened as my tongue moved across them in hunger. I clearly imagined early breakfast the next morning after church...Nana tossing the fluffy yellow yolks in the sizzling buttery bottom of her cast-iron pan. "Sunny-side up or scambled?", she'd gruffly ask. Perhaps MY chosen hen fruit will reveal a double sunny center! Oh, how my tummy growled with anticipation...

As Pop-Pop pulled into the driveway, I smiled. Nana would be so proud of how I sheltered the fragile cargo. With each sudden stop and winding turn, the eggs were always nestled comfortably, free from harm. Nana suddenly opened the passenger door and snatched the package from my hands. I grinned as she carefully opened the lid to double-check their condition. "3 broken!", she snarled as the carton dripped gelatinous goo. "How disappointed I am in you, Sarah. It was such a simple request."

To this day, I honestly do not know how those god-damned eggs got broken. It is an utter mystery to me. I did all the right things and still, my tenacious efforts proved futile. How could this have happened? Was it really meant to be?

*******

Now. 25 years later, seated patiently in a physician's office, I find myself asking the very same questions related to the very same principle objects...eggs.

Illusive ethereal eggs.

Copyright ©2008 Sarah B. Paquette

Egg-Centric

My name is Sarah, I'm 32 years old and my entire world as I currently know it to be ~ revolves around eggs. Their production, their viability, their existence.

My husband and I decided to seek professional help after trying to conceive naturally proved futile month after god-given month. When a clomid/novarel cocktail didn't work after (7) rounds, as prescribed by a so-called advanced gynecology consultant who never had me tested for anything, I took a much needed break from fertility drug InSaNitY. Now, I'm steadfastly embarking on an IUI journey with a little help from my IF friends at The Center.

I have what is known as Unexplained Fertility (THE most ambiguous phrase EVER!) ~ Basically meaning, after testing both my husband and myself, there is no known cause/explanation for our conception trouble. It would be an understatement to say that I've been literally living inside my head for the last year or so with incessant "what if's". Most times, I feel totally insane. I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant let alone BEING pregnant...over analyzing every flutter and twitch in my hollow uterus. I've never been more in tune with my lower body...ever!

Yesterday, my husband and I were seated in our RE's office after failed IUI attempt # 2. I felt only slight cramping 14dpiui ~ took an HPT that morning: negative. Later that afternoon while getting ready for a party, I noticed while washing that my prescribed progesterone vaginal gel was making its way out...YUCK! When I wiped, there was a gelatinous brownish discharge mixed with well-known AF red, so I knew I was out for the count and was glad I went with my instinct and didn't go for a Beta earlier that day...only to be told what I already knew.

The next morning I had barely any discharge - only some brown spotting. I stopped taking the progesterone. 16dpiui there was red all day...but nothing like my normal period. I wasn't sure if I should consider it Day 1 or not because the flow wasn't as heavy...but I did bleed all day. Yesterday at 17dpiui, I had full AF and decided to go the RE for my routine Day 2 u/s and b/w. My uterine lining was thin and I had (2) residual follicles that looked like large bruises on my left ovary. My b/w would determine whether the follies were still producing hormone or not and whether I could start Gonal F injections that evening...gearing up for IUI #3.

A few hours later, I received a surprise call from the RE nurse that my Beta came back as slight positive. My numbers were extremely low ~ I believe she said my hCG level was 54 or was it 45? (Oh god. I don't remember...everything went blurry when she told me the unexpected news). I go back for b/w tomorrow and am not sure what happens after that. I was advised to go back on progesterone. My period stopped.

The nurse made it clear that they do not think this will be a viable pregnancy ...my numbers should be well in the 100s by now, but, as she so pleasantly put it...the good news is: I CAN get pregnant.

I can't really explain the emotional turmoil that is associated with my diagnosis. To take my mind off the inevitable...even for a few moments, I've been getting in touch with my creative side through writing and art collage. It's been my way of venting ~ expelling anger, frustration, and anxiety that has now become a part of daily living.

Never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) did I ever think I’d be ‘one of those’ people. Nor did I ever believe that I would ever have to cope with this uneasy situation at hand and attempt to handle it the best way I know how. I’m certainly not a spokeswoman on the subject and I don’t care to be; however, this is something that has directly affected me on a daily basis since 2006...Perhaps this blog can somewhat explain what I simply cannot. So there you have it. Hen Fruit is a self satisfying collection of IF musings, current events, poetry, and artwork ~ all created by me.

And so, as the story goes ~ Hen Fruit has officially hatched.