Monday, February 2, 2009
My name is Sarah, I'm 32 years old and my entire world as I currently know it to be ~ revolves around eggs. Their production, their viability, their existence.
My husband and I decided to seek professional help after trying to conceive naturally proved futile month after god-given month. When a clomid/novarel cocktail didn't work after (7) rounds, as prescribed by a so-called advanced gynecology consultant who never had me tested for anything, I took a much needed break from fertility drug InSaNitY. Now, I'm steadfastly embarking on an IUI journey with a little help from my IF friends at The Center.
I have what is known as Unexplained Fertility (THE most ambiguous phrase EVER!) ~ Basically meaning, after testing both my husband and myself, there is no known cause/explanation for our conception trouble. It would be an understatement to say that I've been literally living inside my head for the last year or so with incessant "what if's". Most times, I feel totally insane. I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant let alone BEING pregnant...over analyzing every flutter and twitch in my hollow uterus. I've never been more in tune with my lower body...ever!
Yesterday, my husband and I were seated in our RE's office after failed IUI attempt # 2. I felt only slight cramping 14dpiui ~ took an HPT that morning: negative. Later that afternoon while getting ready for a party, I noticed while washing that my prescribed progesterone vaginal gel was making its way out...YUCK! When I wiped, there was a gelatinous brownish discharge mixed with well-known AF red, so I knew I was out for the count and was glad I went with my instinct and didn't go for a Beta earlier that day...only to be told what I already knew.
The next morning I had barely any discharge - only some brown spotting. I stopped taking the progesterone. 16dpiui there was red all day...but nothing like my normal period. I wasn't sure if I should consider it Day 1 or not because the flow wasn't as heavy...but I did bleed all day. Yesterday at 17dpiui, I had full AF and decided to go the RE for my routine Day 2 u/s and b/w. My uterine lining was thin and I had (2) residual follicles that looked like large bruises on my left ovary. My b/w would determine whether the follies were still producing hormone or not and whether I could start Gonal F injections that evening...gearing up for IUI #3.
A few hours later, I received a surprise call from the RE nurse that my Beta came back as slight positive. My numbers were extremely low ~ I believe she said my hCG level was 54 or was it 45? (Oh god. I don't remember...everything went blurry when she told me the unexpected news). I go back for b/w tomorrow and am not sure what happens after that. I was advised to go back on progesterone. My period stopped.
The nurse made it clear that they do not think this will be a viable pregnancy ...my numbers should be well in the 100s by now, but, as she so pleasantly put it...the good news is: I CAN get pregnant.
I can't really explain the emotional turmoil that is associated with my diagnosis. To take my mind off the inevitable...even for a few moments, I've been getting in touch with my creative side through writing and art collage. It's been my way of venting ~ expelling anger, frustration, and anxiety that has now become a part of daily living.
Never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) did I ever think I’d be ‘one of those’ people. Nor did I ever believe that I would ever have to cope with this uneasy situation at hand and attempt to handle it the best way I know how. I’m certainly not a spokeswoman on the subject and I don’t care to be; however, this is something that has directly affected me on a daily basis since 2006...Perhaps this blog can somewhat explain what I simply cannot. So there you have it. Hen Fruit is a self satisfying collection of IF musings, current events, poetry, and artwork ~ all created by me.
And so, as the story goes ~ Hen Fruit has officially hatched.