Cycle

Intense Anticipation.

Apprehension.

Hope.

Familiar Feeling.

Unwarranted.

Unwanted.

Emergent Pain.

Strain.

Reluctance.

Blood Drips.

Denial.

Disappointment.

Silent Struggle.

Smile.

Cope.

Inward Flow.

Solemn.

Swear.

Start Over.

Wait.

See.

Intense Anticipation.

Apprehension.

Hope.

Familiar Feeling.

Unwarranted.

Unwanted.

Emergent Pain.

Strain.

Reluctance.

Blood Drips.

Denial.

Disappointment.

Silent Struggle.

Smile.

Cope.

Inward Flow.

Solemn.

Swear.

Start Over.

Wait.

See.

Intense Anticipation.

Apprehension.

Hope.

Copyright ©2008 Sarah B. Paquette


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I wrote this piece feeling utter despair when month after month, my medicated treatments were not working. I'm not sure if I expected some sort of a miracle to take place once I ingested a tiny pill that joggled my brain and made me feel plum crazy all of the time. Clomid was a beast.

I remember posting this poem on a myspace blog and getting a response from someone that said something like "They always say when you let go of the control and realize it's out of your hands is the moment it happens....Relax...." I also remember feeling very angry and wanting to punch something after reading that. Of course, I did not learn my lesson and posted similar entries only to get similar remarks and want to punch things again.

I just heard from Dr. B's nurse. My hCG levels are steadily decreasing...from 659 to 544. I'm to go for repeat b/w next Wednesday. I suppose that I should feel relief that my life is getting back on track, but I'm still very sad about this experience and even now just want to sleep right through it.